Monday, May 28, 2012

just blowing off some steam

Communication is a basic need that seeks to be filled by all. Whether these are personal thoughts or novel ideas- everyone longs to be heard. - its human nature.

Communication has always been a big problem for me- ever since I was little I've had a hear-breaking stutter. I would feel rushed with everyone I talked to. In my mind I felt that if I didn't say whatever I needed to fast enough, than I would be lost in sea of words, being carried off by a riptide. but the more rushed I felt the harder it was for me to speak. I felt so embarrassed, cus I was taking up more time than I intended- I was taking time away from others, I was taking up more air.... I rarely spoke up in class, and would try to disappear when the teacher's eyes would scan the room to call on someone. I settled for mediocre grades in HS, but it all started changing when I went to College. It was then that I felt like I was smart, that I could be able help others understand concepts, that what I had to say had value. I told myself not to rush. To pause (with a breath mid-sentence) when I came to a sticky word- and it helped tremendously. I still like to lay low and listen more than ramble on, or talk just for the sake of talking.

 *sigh*

Presently, I've had challenging experiences where what I say gets cut off by other's comparable stories. Or where what I'm trying to communicate lands of deaf ears. It makes me feel dumb for even opening my mouth to speak. Their subconscious actions have made me feel unimportant and that my ideas have no value. In some cases I can't even get past three words without the other individual jumping in. I may even be ANSWERING a question they asked, and I still don't finish the first sentence. Have you ever noticed that you take a short breath of air before you speak? I feel so bloated with air from trying to talk to these people that I just want to EXPLODE!!!! So hear I am... exploding all my feelings of hurt and frustration on "paper"

*sigh*

but I'll have to give them some sort of benefit of the doubt right? and just focus on being grateful for the awesome friends that I do have- and for those conversations that come so easily.(- especially with my sister :) -our minds are so silly when they are together, we paint such hilarious mental pictures for each other that leave us doubled-over-crying with laughter.)

1 comment:

MT said...

I had no idea you had a stutter. Mandy, you are such a beautiful smart lovely lady!